It sort of snuck up on me. I mean, I saw it happening, but I didn't really realize it had happened. Sure, some of my clothes didn't fit, but it was time for some new things anyway, and sure, the new things seemed to be requiring larger sizes, but I still had it in my head that it was just a few pounds. But suddenly, I've realized that it's not so sudden.
Over the course of about 18 months, I have regained about half of the 150 pounds I lost from early 2001 through late 2003.
I'm lumpy again. I get winded and tire easily; my ankles swell daily (yep, I've got cankles) -- and they don't always un-swell overnight; my extra chins have returned with a vengeance; and I'm back to being a bit ungainly and clumsy at times. I don't feel as though I am dressing as professionally at work as I ought - simply because I can't find things to fit properly again, nor can I afford a whole new wardrobe -- and this is the time of year when parents are teeming about the campus with their babies just before passing them off into our capable (but suspect) hands, so I generally try to dress up just a bit more than usual.
Last weekend, in the midst of a mini-reunion with some wonderful old friends, there were a number of things going on that I'll write about at some point, but it didn't escape me that one particular friend who never fails to tell me how great I look didn't say a word about my appearance. And he has seen me at every size in my repertoire.
I can only begin to imagine the surprise and disappointment of my friends who were so happy for and proud of me when I lost the weight. I don't know if people who have never struggled with weight or with any compulsive behaviors can truly understand what it's like to live in my head and body. I, too, thought (well, hoped anyway) that having a gastric bypass in the summer of 2001 would sublimate my unhealthy will and more or less magically resolve these issues for me. But my compulsions never really went away, and despite really hard work with my therapist and a lot of changes in my behavior, I ultimately slipped back into my old bad habits and negative behavior patterns.
I haven't entirely given up, mind you. I'm back at the gym, working with a trainer, and I'm still working on these behaviors with my therapist and my psychiatrist. I had been in a fairly deep depression last winter and into the spring from which I finally emerged this summer, so things have definitely improved in some areas, but the road back is long and dark and lonely and it is paved with Suzy Q's®.
Posted by cynical at September 02, 2006 11:28 AMI don't really know what to say. It sounds as though you have recognized the problem and are working to resolve it (both very difficult things).
I'm sending all of my good vibes your way. Take care of yourself and don't beat yourself up.
Posted by: shelley (not-so-cynical) on September 2, 2006 12:06 PMI think I know how hard it was to write this, and I hope it helps you to feel strong for the road ahead. The most important thing to remember, and I ain't kidding about this--you are worthy of love, and are loving and lovable, at any size. Period.
Posted by: jadedju on September 2, 2006 02:31 PMAnybody who doesn't get it that weight issues are more than just a lack of will power needs to read this. It is hugely complicated and oh so much more than simply an overwhelming desire for a hershey bar. I feel for you.
Posted by: Karan on September 2, 2006 02:47 PMThank you, my dear, dear friends (and family).
And now, I must get back to work. Because yes, I am working today as well as Monday of this stormy holiday weekend. Because yes, I have chosen to dedicate my (professional) life to the care and feeding of undergraduate students who inevitably embark on their annual cycle of schoolish things at this time of year. So enjoy your cookouts and final frivolously free vacation weekends without me, but do think of me, nicely informing those hovering parents and clueless freshmen that, yes, we really do expect the tuition bills to be paid in full before students can get their dorm room keys, but no, we don't really mean it that students aren't allowed to call home more than once per day. We just think they're freaks for wanting to.
I've struggled with weight my whole life...and once again, I too am embarking on a *get in shape* plan. Argh. If only they had photoshop in real life!
(Oh...I guess that's called *cosmetic surgery!*)
Well, as Mick Jagger once said, "It's Ok to let yourself go....as long as you can let yourself back in."
Here's to finding our way back!
Posted by: DogsDontPurr on September 2, 2006 09:19 PMI feel your pain... I too have been in denial about the weight I've gained, about 20-25 pounds in all from last summer. And while it's not the end of the world, I still hate that after losing close to 40 pounds after my divorce that I've gained almost half of it back.
I like to think of fall as a new beginning, even though nature is beginning to wind down for the long haul of winter. I'm heading back to the gym this week and have decided that I don't care what "size" I am, I just want to be healthy and be able to do all the things like I did last year!!
Good luck!!! You can do it!!!
Posted by: Single Girl on September 3, 2006 08:32 PMI'll echo the Jaded one's comments - we love you the same no matter what the scale may say on any given day.
Posted by: Jen on September 3, 2006 08:43 PMYou made me smile today....you've always been beautiful..inside and out. I know this must be hard for you to see and face. We've discussed this many times, and you are still a hero to me. We all fall off our will from time to time....it's proving we have the chutzpah to get up and take "it" on again that makes us strong. You, my friend, are strong. And if there is an occasional Suzy Q's® to ease the struggle...then screw it, who cares...and pass me half!!! xxoo
Posted by: Mikey Likes It! on September 5, 2006 10:12 AMI too work in a collegiate environment and I don’t know about you but after a long day of helping the clueless, juvenile, and unprepared for college undergraduates that frequent my office, I just want to go home and have a Bloody Mary and Oreo cookies. God, my mouth is watering just writing that!
Posted by: Chris on September 6, 2006 10:55 AMI had no idea of your struggle. Good luck to you as pursue healthier options.
Posted by: wordgirl on September 7, 2006 09:59 AMShelley, I know a lot of people don't quite understand that it is a lifelong battle with the compulsive behaviors associated with weight problems... I know lots of people in restaurants or in supermarkets look at what the heavy girl is ordering or buying and if only it was that simple!
**hugs**
Posted by: sally on September 8, 2006 03:31 PMI wont pretend to know how it feels to walk in anyone else's shoes...but your words really spoke to me. My struggles might lie in other places, but weight is an issue in my family and the suffering is so real. I cant imagine any real friend being disappointed IN you...only FOR you, if the struggle has its peaks and valleys and isnt easily fixed. We all know how very hard you have worked...and hopefully will find the will to continue working. You really ARE a wonderful woman, for your triumphs and challenges...and so many other parts of who you are. It might be easy to say, but I really do mean it: you are great and I love you and your openness. Good luck facing the next stage...*hugs*
Posted by: meg on September 10, 2006 10:45 PMI adore you. And I think that you were able to write this post is amazing, and sane, and empowering, and inspiring.
Posted by: Artichoke Heart on September 12, 2006 12:00 AM