Oh. My. God. I believe I have just had a religious epiphany. A conversion, in fact.

Ladies, have you tried these yet? Today, for the first time ever, I am wearing a pair of these footless tights under a pair of cropped pants and with open-toed shoes, and it's a seriously freeing experience. No panty lines. No thigh crease from one of those long-leg smoothers (fuck it, that bitch is a girdle no matter what they call it). And no roll-up or binding at the bottom. They are comfy with a capital COMF.

I confess that I bought a pair of these last spring and was all excited to get them home and try 'em out. I opened the bag of various purchases, dug around, but where were the Spanx? They were nowhere, that's where.

My kindest self believed, at the time, that the saleswoman inadvertently left them on the counter when folding and bagging my other items. Now that I have tried 'em out, though, my oh-so-cynical self knows the truth: That beyotch slipped those twenty dollar babies into her own handbag and never looked back.

And now I know that if it had been me in her working-girl mules, I'd have done the same damned thing without a moment's guilt, either. And I'd have drunk a toast to the poor sap who didn't know what she was missing when I got home with my booty, too.

It took me until last weekend to reach into my wallet to drop another $20 for these babies. Don't make my mistake. Get thee to the website or your favorite retailer and buy a pair.

Oh, and tell the beyotch at checkout that Cynical sent you.