It's itchy boob season again.
And itchy legs and back and belly season, too. The back is the worst, though, especially when you're single like me. Oh, sweet Moses, my back itches like the spawn of Santa sometimes, and I contort into painful, uh, contortions to try to reach all the trouble spots. Last night I was rubbing up against the doorjamb of my bedroom before going to sleep because I just. could. not. stand it anymore.
I get so jealous of my kitty at times like that. Just about every night she gets a full-body scratch-down, the lucky little furball, courtesy of yours truly ... but who is there to take care of my needs, I ask you? Olivia could help, if she really wanted to, but she's a self-possessed cat, as cats so often are. I ask her, very nicely, to walk on my back while I lie on my stomach. Her long claws would do wonders for my itching, I think to myself. She looks at me, slightly raising her brow into what looks like a quizzical expression. I pick her up with one arm, hold her beside me as I lie down on my tummy and place her on my lower back. "Walk," I say. She immediately scampers away.
Ten minutes later we have resumed our positions. "Walk," I say. She settles down to lie on my bum, head up, looking at me looking over my shoulder at her. She stretches her mouth wide into a jaw-cracking yawn. Such nerve in a young cat.
I am too itchy to contemplate the disrespectfulness of my furry charge for long. "Please," I very nearly beg, "knead my back, like you do to the fleece throw on the couch." She makes a noise that sounds almost like a cry, but still doesn't move. She probably wants me to bring her dinner to her, right here on the bed, or to give her a good scratching, but I won't give. Not yet. Not tonight. I am too fucking itchy.
"Walk," I say. "Or knead. Whichever, or both, but do something. Please."
"Meow," says she, and stands up. "Good girl," I say. "Yes!"
She walks up my spine and up onto my right shoulder, then nuzzles my ear. "Good girl, Livvy," I whisper. "Walk on mama's back, would you please?" I can feel her purring before I hear it. Mmmm, I think to myself. This just might work.
Olivia walks across my shoulder blades, pauses to nuzzle the hair over my other ear, and then I feel her push off my left shoulder. Crap! I think, in that split second before I hear the thunk as her semi-heft hits the hardwood and she's gone. I rest my head against the pillow and absently scratch my hip.
Posted by cynical at January 17, 2007 05:05 PMGreat writing! (Livvy sounds like a cat after my own heart.)
For the itchies ... draw a bath, add baby oil, soak as long as you like, emerge from bath covered in baby oil, pat dry.
It's not as good as a rub down, but it will definitely help.
Posted by: shelley (not-so-cynical) on January 17, 2007 08:43 PMHave you tried a lotion called "Glove in a Bottle"? It's a miracle worker for dry skin and the itchies. You can use it on your face and body....I love it. (And being the spa product junky that I am, this is not a compliment I give easily. The company should hire me!)
Posted by: DogsDontPurr on January 18, 2007 01:40 AMThe truth is that you can't always draw a bath when you itch and Glove in a Bottle...sounds spendy. (see, I told you!) What you need to do is buy a can of PAM, butter flavored or plain, doesn't matter. Just aim it over your shoulder, spray and you are lubricated! Itch no more!
Posted by: Karan on January 18, 2007 01:51 AMMmmmm. Butter.
Glove in a Bottle sounds good, even if it could be 'spendy' - but who would rub it on those hard to reach places? And taking a bath would mean cleaning my tub first. But Karan's solution is both biodegradable *and* practical -- I like it!
Posted by: cynical on January 18, 2007 08:59 AMomg i thought i was the only one that itched! lmfao!!! i hope you get unitchy! get a backscratched the one with lil fingers!!
Posted by: BETH on January 18, 2007 10:08 PMA-V-E-E-N-O
Posted by: sally on January 19, 2007 12:37 AMI'm confused...why are you so itchy?
Posted by: Chris on January 19, 2007 01:52 PMS-C-R-A-T-C-H-I-N-G P-O-S-T
One for Olivia and one for you!!!!
Posted by: sally on January 19, 2007 05:32 PMChris: I realize you're in Florida, but for most of the country it's WINTER, which means DRY SKIN. Need I elaborate?
Sally: Aveeno is swell, but you haven't resolved the issue of how to get it onto my itchy back. And a scratching post for humans is genius! Maybe you could invent one that would dispense lotion ....
Posted by: cynical on January 19, 2007 06:24 PMI do the scratch in the doorway thing. I'm sure I look like a weird bear scratching myself.
Posted by: deborah on January 19, 2007 09:08 PMAh yes - I am experiencing the same winter as you, and much the same dry skin, and much the same lack of anybody to help out with it. Backs of the hands and right between the shoulder blades are the worst. (You know, that spot you absolutely can't reach on your own body without dislocating something.) I don't have a solution other than lotioning oneself right after the shower (doesn't solve the reaching the hard to reach spots issue), but I do wonder - that Skin-So-Soft spray stuff was not originally invented as a mosquito repellent; do you suppose it might actually help dry skin, and be easier to apply than a lotion because it's a spray? Just a thought. My cats are no more help than yours on the scratching thing, either.
Posted by: educand on January 21, 2007 01:05 PMspawn of Santa??
Posted by: beth on January 22, 2007 01:42 AMYep, it's the itchy time of the year over here too. I sympathize.
Posted by: Chris on January 23, 2007 09:14 AMOooh! Oooh! Me too!
My itchy back absolutely drives me nuts in the winter. Oh, the contortions. I must complain about it enough, because last year a friend of mine gave me, for my birthday, this contraption:
It's got a long handle (like a backscratcher), and at the end is a round disc-thingie that not only has little massagey balls in it, but it unscrews and you put LOTION into it to reach any part of your back! Massage and lotion at the same time! How about that?!!
I was so happy I almost cried, and my itchy back problems are a thing of the past. She got it at either Bed Bath & Beyond or Linens 'n Things.
Hie thyself there pronto and get yourself one!
Posted by: Peggasus on January 26, 2007 11:40 AM