I know it isn't only older folks who do this, but it sure does seem to be common among those of my relation and acquaintance: Why do senior citizens seem to think it is okay to comment on the racial make-up of the crowd at a meeting or restaurant or other gathering, particularly when the predominant race or ethnic group represented in the group is different from that of the commenter?* And why won't they take silence as a proper response when they make such a remark, particularly when the commenter is not related to the person to whom the comment was made?
Here's what I typically do:
If the commenter is a friend or relative of mine, I will let that person know that I am not interested in hearing such "observations" and I will tell them nicely - but specifically - why I find such remarks troublesome or offensive. If, however, the commenter is either a random person nearby (and you'd be surprised how often this seems to happen) or someone of only tangential acquaintance, I will look at the commenter for a long moment, partly to make sure I have correctly understood the intent of the remark and partly to make it clear to the person that I heard what was said, and then I will turn my eyes and attention elsewhere. I will simply be silent; I avoid even an "mm hmm" or "uh-huh" for fear that either could be perceived as tacit agreement or complicity in the views of the commenter. I do not actively change the subject. I'd rather there be silence in an effort to indicate that I am pointedly not responding versus simply glossing over a potentially awkward moment by moving the conversation (and, thus, the person's attention) elsewhere.
First off, does this sort of thing happen to you, too?
Do you notice certain categories of people (by age, urban/suburban, socio-economic background, religious background, college-educated vs. not, geographic history, etc.) doing this more often than others?
If it does happen to you, what do you do?
* after the jump.
* Here I want to distinguish the scenario I am describing above as entirely separate from the following: Suppose I am at an Asian restaurant and someone nearby notes that the crowd is predominantly Asian, stating, "This must be a good/authentic/whatever restaurant, since it is attracting so many people who probably know a lot about this kind of food." In this example, I personally think the observation might be an interesting and/or relevant one. Unlike, say, the person in the waiting area of an Asian restaurant who comments, "Looks like we're the only white people here," while looking pointedly and uncomfortably at the non-white, non-Asian crowd in the lobby.
Do you agree with this distinction?
Posted by cynical at May 12, 2008 01:29 PMI have to deal with this type of talk with my family (on both sides, young and old). Usually, my response is: "You did not just say that!"
What's even stranger is my brother adopted a mixed-race child. He's finally having to deal with his own racist remarks.
So, my input has nothing to do with your situation, but I thought I'd share anyway.
Posted by: tomorrow on May 12, 2008 03:12 PMSome of the things my parents say are completely shocking to me. But they are old and were raised that way a long time ago. There's no changing them now, so I tend to let it slide. Fortunately, though, they usually don't say these things in public. It's usually some remark made while watching TV or while we're driving somewhere. Oy!
I've heard a few anti-Japanese remarks from people here, but not often publicly. Considering Hawai'i is about the most racially-diverse state in the country, generalizing is a) dumb and b)likely untrue.
Posted by: Linkmeister on May 12, 2008 04:25 PMMaybe it's because I live in a much more racially mixed area (New Orleans) that people of "class" of the area basically don't make remarks like that--at least not that I've heard.
I teach part time at a local HBCU (historically black college/university) and my grandson is racially mixed.
So what.
(Oh yeah--I happen to be mostly white with some Native American thrown in.)
Posted by: sue on May 12, 2008 07:33 PMSometimes I correct/challenge, sometimes I don't....it depends if I can possibly have an educational moment with the offender or not...or if I can put someone in their place for this sort of nasty behavior. I'll challenge young people and public brutishness. Bullying sorts of comments like calling out an overweight person or telling an accented person to go back where they came from. I hate that sort of bigotry in a big way. My challenge once got me socked in the mouth for my effort. It was worth it.
On the other hand, I never challenged my mother-in-law because I never thought that I had a chance in changing her behavior...and she never ever did it to be hurtful or disrespectful...her offenses were infrequent and fairly minor and innocent enough. I did however, take care to address her comments with my kids so that they wouldn't learn from her example.
Last weekend I went to New Orleans with my siblings.
While my big sister, her partner and I were walking down Canal Street, there was a nice African American lady walking nearby with her adorable kids, two boys about 10 and 12 and a little girl about 8.
The girl was very tall and lanky with exceptionally long, thin arms. She was so cute, sort of dancing as she walked, so I said hello and asked her if she was a professional dancer.
She paused to do a few awkward moves, extending her arms and legs to almost comic proportions.
"WooWEE," I exclaimed.
Then I looked at her mother and said, "She's so tall she looks like she's gonna grow up to play in the WNBA!"
The mother smiled but my sister and her pal were horrified.
Sheesh. I meant it as a compliment.
I hope this doesn't mean I'm that much closer to turning into my mother.
flyby comment - we were in a local restaurant the other night, and i commented to hubby that since we were the only white folks there, it was a good indication that the Spanish food would be pretty authentic.
Posted by: beth on May 25, 2008 11:22 AM