So it's a new year (Jewishly speaking) and I have atoned for my sins of the past year ... whilst at the very same time dreaming up new and improved sins for the coming year.
Yeah, it's gonna be that kind of year.
Also, my neck is sore, and kind of stiff. At first I just figured I slept on it wrong, with too many or too few pillows, or that I pulled a muscle watching TV or something. (Hey, the new fall season can be strenuous.) My throat is a little bit sore today, too, so this morning I decided that it was a swollen lymph gland. I have taken an obscene amount of Tylenol for the past two days and it hasn't helped. I am now convinced that I have a tumor near the base of my skull and I am obviously dying. Maybe plotting my next sins in synagogue didn't go over that well with the boss and I didn't get inscribed in the Book of Life for another year after all.
Which got me thinking: In the event of my impending incapacitation, I would like my sister, the formerly Jaded Ju, to raise my Facebook pet, Geraldo. I would like Brian to have all of my pots and pans, even the crappy ones that he would prefer never to touch, and I'd like Karan to have my DVD collection, including the pr0n. And the, um, toys.
I haven't decided who'll take Olivia yet. If you would like to be considered, please leave a comment below -- including what you can offer to the calico love of my life. While you think about that, I'll be here with hot compresses on my neck, moaning pathetically.
Besides my tumor and the end of the world as we know it, what's new with you?
Posted by cynical at October 13, 2008 02:10 PMI can't believe that you would consider anybody other than me to take Olivia!
But really, I would prefer that you go see a doctor. We can't have you dying on us!
Feel better soon!
Posted by: DogsDontPurr on October 13, 2008 02:57 PMHey! What makes you think you get to sneak out the back door and miss the apocalypse? If the rest of us gotta stick around for the end times, you gotta, too. Slacker.
Posted by: Solonor on October 13, 2008 04:58 PMIf you *must* depart this world, I will care for Olivia.
Just know that she will be part of a herd; a blended family, if you will.
I think you can FedEx her, but I'll check.
Posted by: tomorrow on October 13, 2008 11:15 PMNot that I'm hoping for your incapacitation, but HooRay! I'd even take the cat for that sort of loot!
Based on my medical hysterics, I suggest you down a bottle of red wine**...preferably a petite syrah or even a pinot noir...drink the whole thing in one sitting and SHAZAAM!, no more neck strain!
**Do not attempt this cure if you are pregnant or expecting to be pregnant in the next 24 hours. Do not take if you have liver ailments or suffer from toenail fungus. Avoid red wine if you have a sensitivity to tanins, sulfites or if you want to avoid purple tongue syndrome. Do not drink red wine if you are an alcholic in recovery, know an alcoholic in recovery or expect to ever be in recovery. Avoid red wine in excess if you expect to drive in downtown Minneapolis, Seattle or Atlanta. Do not drink red wine in excess if you have an 8am meeting with your boss and do not drink red wine if you are out of Crest White Strips.
Posted by: Karan on October 14, 2008 01:15 AMWait...all the pots and pans?
Posted by: Brian on October 14, 2008 12:49 PMYes, Brian, all of 'em. Just chuck out the ones you don't want.
Karan: I would take your free medical advice for what it's worth, but I don't think a Pinot Noir goes well with the muscle relaxant I've been prescribed. Still, I'll keep your recommendation in mind.
Tomorrow and DDP: I appreciate your willingness to add Olivia to your respective menageries. You will be notified in the event that your offer has been accepted.
Solly: I hosied first. Neener.
Posted by: cynical on October 15, 2008 02:43 PMAdd her to the pile of monsters we have... you know she will get lots of attention.
Unless I die first which is quite probable considering I am on week 3 of this cold...
you have facebook?!?!?! Add me add me!! Oh wait, you are dying, so sorry. I think Olivia should come to us of course. That will bring the female ratio in our house 6-3. It's only fair!
As for Chuck dying, pffft he isn't that lucky! =)
Posted by: Lauren on October 19, 2008 08:05 AMWaiting for an Obama victory. This is going to be one long week.
Posted by: apathy lounge on October 28, 2008 08:43 PMI'm dying, too, or I'd take Olivia for you.
I can ask my daughter if she'd take her, as she will need something to replace me.
Posted by: Stircrazy on October 29, 2008 08:04 PM