Cynical: A Life

Better

Thanks to everyone for the offers of support, guest rooms, and related pampering. Fortunately, I'm feeling quite a bit better in the past week or so. That's not to say that I might not take some of you up on your various offers, mind you, so don't convert your guest rooms into craft areas or gyms just yet. Truly, I was in a bad place ... one that felt far too familiar and, therefore, one that I thought I would remain in for much longer. I think it really helped me to write a little of what I was feeling, and to know that those of you who still stop by here, just in case, would be able to understand. I am not magically cured, nor am I suddenly joyous, but I am now back to being able to accomplish tasks and I believe that there are things that I can do to improve my situation, which is a huge and welcome change.

Tonight I'm having two good friends over to my place for dinner, so I need to get to the grocery store to get my ingredients, then get back here to clean. One of my guests is allergic to the cat, so I need to do as much as I can to reduce her imprint around here ... and make sure I've got some unexpired Benadryl on hand.

Hope you all are having a good holiday weekend, and again I thank you for being my friends - whether we have ever met in real life or not. You mean more to me than you can possibly understand.

Staying home

It's so hard to see people at big gatherings when I am so unhappy with my work and so many aspects of myself and my life. Even the seemingly simple questions (How's work? What did you do this summer?) are painful. I love my work but hate my work situation (boss, overwhelming caseload, endless hours). This summer I worked and ate and slept. And cried, sometimes. I make few plans because I avoid talking on the phone (nothing to say) and don't go to places and events where I might see the people whose friendship and company I used to enjoy. I work, take my medication, see my therapist, and I eat. And eat some more. I can't seem to be satisfied. I rarely feel full, and occasionally lose interest in food ... but never for long. I have been looking, with what little energy I can muster, for another job. I have been trying, with only minimal success, to exercise a little bit. Walking (more than from bed to couch to kitchen to couch to bed) and swimming (not just relaxing in a whirlpool) are my preferred modes, but I haven't been partaking of them much. Mostly I just manage to get through every day until it's time to go to sleep again, and I force myself to get dressed and go to work on the appropriate days. Jammies and no showers on weekends have (has?) become de rigueur.

I take my meds and I see my therapist and I see my shrink. I do all the things I am supposed to, mostly, but I also cry. And I can't write this on Facebook, where people mean well but can't tolerate unhappy unless the next happy post goes up immediately. I miss blogging, even though I have nothing to say. But I am glad that you are still here, blog and dwindling bloggy friends. Even when I don't say so, I really am glad you're here.

Can an oracle wear a monacle?

I have not forsaken you, dear old blog, but my heart now belongs to Facebook. Hey, imaginary readers: If you know me in real life, please feel free to befriend me on FB. If you don't know me in real life but would like to befriend me on FB anyway, please e-mail me at shelleyAT cynicallifeDOT com and tell me who you are and why it wouldn't be foolish of me to be your FB friend. I'll think about it, then I'll ask the oracle, and I might get back to you about it.

Awards and thanks and other stuff

Summer is off to a flying start around here. Relatives have visited from far-flung locales and I have made some short trips, mostly to upstate New York and the Berkshires to visit family and friends. I'm back in the office today after about 10 days of this madness, and it's been a surprisingly peaceful day so far which I hope I haven't jinxed by saying so.

New things happening here at work, too: We've hired a new staff member who will be starting in a couple of weeks. I've gone through formal testing for my deficient attention issues and have been officially dubbed deficient, for which I now plan to pursue accommodations under federal law. Next week Boss #1 will be moving to another office suite in the building and Boss #2 will move into Boss #1's newly-vacated digs, at which point I will officially report to Boss #2, whose strings will be entirely controlled by Boss #1. I've submitted my cover letter and C.V. for another position at Big U, and this time it's something I think I'm uniquely suited for, although I am not at all optimistic that I will seriously be considered for it. And finally, my self-esteem as it pertains to my professional abilities is at an all-time low.

Thank you. Thank you very much. *bowing*

You know, I used to only feel crummy about myself in my non-professional life, so it feels like kind of a big milestone to have been able to carry that over to my work life, too. It wasn't easy, and there are many people to thank for this, but unfortunately there isn't enough time to thank them all, so I'll just say it has been an incredible experience and I appreciate all of you who have stuck by me during this exciting time.

For those of you who have stuck around this long, I'm happy to share the news that I will be seeing an Earth, Wind & Fire concert tomorrow night which will also feature Chicago (the band, not the ... nevermind). Tonight I am having dinner with my buddy whose little boy died in January, and I'm all packed up to stay overnight 'cause her hubby is away on business and, well, I'm ready just in case. I think she's going to force me to watch "Twilight" because she has just finished the books, so I'm hoping I'll like the movie better the second time. Either way, I'm looking forward to a nice girls' night. Oh, and she's cooking, so I pretty much just have to show up -- my favorite kind of night!

What else? Eh, that's about it. Fill me in on your summer adventures, won't you?

It takes so little

It is pathetic how pleased I am about a brand new toilet seat. Also, why didn't anyone tell me (often enough) about all the hot age-appropriate men at Home Despot?

Every silver lining has a sow's ear, or something

So here's my latest dilemma:

Fancy Private University -- FPU for short -- has just created and posted a brand new, very high level position that is potentially* my dream job. However, my immediate and longtime supervisor at FPU is not my biggest fan and isn't likely to strongly (if at all) support my candidacy. This wouldn't be such a big deal if my supervisor weren't viewed as a major rock star within the institution and if her boss, who pretty much knows only what my director tells her about me, weren't (A) very highly placed and influential in the organization and (2) directly reporting to the president, to whom this new position also reports.

Naturally, I intend to apply for the position. I am required, by FPU policy, to inform my supervisor of my application only at such time that an interview is scheduled, but there is nothing to prevent the person or team reviewing applications from mentioning my potential candidacy to my supervisor at any time, whether in passing or specifically to ask about my qualifications. So it seems like it would behoove me to tell my boss up front when I submit my cover letter and resume. Right? But then I'm more afraid that I won't get an interview at all. Although on further thought, I suppose that even if I get the interview, the odds of my ultimately getting the job aren't so great once they ask my boss what she thinks of me anyway. Hell, she could even be on the selection committee.

I am f**ked.

Breaking news

Fascinating.